I hate my private lesson teacher, what should I do?

What happens if you do not like you who you are studying with? What should you do or say to your not-so-favorite music teacher? As a teacher myself, I can usually tell when a student and I are having a difficulty meshing. Genuinely, I get my feelings hurt for half a second and remember I cannot be a good fit for everyone. I would rather them be honest with themselves and find someone who brings out the best in them. Ultimately, my goal for a student is to have fun and enjoy music and find internal desire to practice on their own.

It is completely normal not to like every teacher you learn with.

It is okay to admit that you dislike your music teacher because it is completely normal. You are not going to click with everyone and that is okay! Perhaps it is not the right fit, maybe they have been unkind to you, or it's just some unknown reason. Regardless of the reason, sometimes it is just not working out. As a student, I have studied with over 20+ different private lesson teachers. No, it is not because I did not like most of them. I was just searching for a very particular person who could help me overcome performance anxiety. I also ended up studying at different colleges and on my off seasons took lessons with random instructors. There has only been a couple of occasions where I have not liked a teacher as a person. Sometimes I was able to get past it and learn what I needed to learn from them and other times I ended lessons early. At the end of the day, we are all human, we are not going to like everyone, and we all have our preferred way of teaching. Rest assured, there are ways to navigate these situations with grace and poise.

To Drop or Not to Drop

Okay, so you don't like your private instructor very much. You have a few options here. And honestly, neither one is inherently better than the other. It really comes down to your situation, your goals, and your well-being.

Option 1: Stick It Out. You can choose to stay and get what you need out of the lessons while keeping things more transactional. This tends to work best if:

• You can separate personal feelings from the learning experience

• The situation is temporary

• You’re still receiving strong educational value

For me, this is difficult. My values around education and relationships are deeply connected, so it’s hard to fully detach. But I’ve also had teachers where I didn’t feel a strong personal connection, yet I was still learning in a way that felt valuable and worthwhile. Sometimes, that’s just life. Not every teacher-student relationship is going to feel natural or deeply aligned. You might not click, but you’re still growing and that makes it all the worthwhile.

That said, there’s an important line: If the environment is negatively impacting your mental health, it’s not sustainable. You cannot learn effectively in a space that feels unsafe, tense, or draining. There’s also some nuance here:

• You could explore finding an additional or different teacher while finishing out your time with the current one

• You might try to mend the relationship, possibly with support from a neutral third party

• In some cases, especially in tightly connected fields like orchestral music, maintaining the relationship might feel strategically important

The music world is small. Word travels. That’s just a reality you may need to factor into your decision. Ultimately, ask yourself: Am I still learning in a way that feels meaningful and is the cost (emotionally, mentally) worth it?

Option 2: Break it off. You can also choose to leave.

There’s no single “right” way to do this, but I strongly advocate for direct communication when possible. Letting your teacher know you’re stopping lessons is not only valuable personal growth moment, but it is also a a professional courtesy. Teaching is their livelihood and being able to directly communicate can smooth over any hard feelings. Depending on the relationship you had with the teacher, you can either leave without detailed feedback or provide constructive feedback (only if it’s thoughtful and warranted). You don’t owe a full breakdown or anything. But honesty, when appropriate, can be helpful.

Option 2a: Ghosting. I very rarely recommend this but there are absolutely situations where it is valid. If you are in an unsafe, harmful, or deeply disrespectful situation, you do not owe anyone an explanation. I’ve personally experienced situations where I chose not to explain my departure. At that point, it was no longer worth my time or energy to engage further. I had already communicated my expectations, and I wasn’t going to put myself in harm’s way again. If your safety, health, body, or emotional well-being are at risk—leave. F*ck the unspoken “rules” in the music world. You are allowed to walk away.

Ultimately, this decision isn’t just about the teacher and their feelings. It's about you. And figuring out what you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re not is paramount

In the future

If you’re here, chances are you’re already dealing with a teacher you don’t quite mesh with, so take it as a lesson for next time. Do your research: look into their background, read bios or reviews, ask preliminary questions, and consider taking a trial lesson (or a few). While I tend to learn through trial and error, I’ve found it’s just as important to define what you actually need in a teacher. Over time, I’ve gotten better at recognizing who I’ll work well with and how they’ll support my growth. That said, “a good teacher” looks different for everyone, so building your own criteria is key. (check out my full guide here)

Final Thoughts

This is kind of a touchy topic in the music world, especially for those students who are bound to one teacher. We all know that there is a lot of respectability politics that go on within the music industry. If you dare defy any of these people who have social power within the music industry, it can end up looking bad. I completely understand not wanting to say anything. Personally, I do not have the energy to be silent and I think accountability and change is more important than these social norms within the classical music era. However, it is advisable to keep it cordial because you never know who knows who. The world is changing and what people value are different. I get that it is a really touchy and awkward subject for people to talk about, because of the politics involved in music. I have encountered plenty of personalities that were mean as ever. One especially egregious teacher made racist commentary towards me and indigenous people and got offended when I brought it up. But other than that, I have found that most of the time it is just that we are not good fit.